What I am trying to convey in this document is a guide, not a hard and fast set of rules.

Generally, as long as you have good manners and are courteous, polite, and respectful, it is proper protocol.

First, understand that the BDSM community is very status-oriented.

For this document, DOMS, Tops, Masters, Mistresses, Ladies, Lords, Male or Female are to be considered one in the same 'Dom'.

For this document, subs, servants, slaves, bottoms, male, or female are to be considered one in the same 'sub'.

There are several levels of proper protocol for Doms, subs, and Switches.

All should use common sense and good manners at all times.

I have found that many protocols for subs are more an aspect of their individual training by a Dom and are different in every relationship, so trying to define training protocols is a case of MYOB. ( Mind Your Own Business )

Dress codes for all in public should be acceptable clothing that does not indicate you are kink, quite often referred to as street legal.

Private dress is an individual taste and or Dom's choice.

When meeting someone outside the scene that you know is in the scene, it is rude to acknowledge that you know them in any way.

It is best to pretend you are meeting them for the first time.

Wait until you meet them in the scene, like a class, party, or other scene function. Then approach them about it privately.

Outing someone can ruin their life, and can get you cast out from our community

Dom protocols

You, as a Dom, are responsible to your community, your friends, and your family. Drawing unwanted attention to our lifestyle is an insult to all who try so hard to just get along with their PTA and vanilla jobs and friends. Please use Common Sense and dress and act acceptably, and require that you do so.

Private protocol is up to you. Everything you say and do is a reflection on you and yours.

From time to time, you will run into a DOM that you may not agree with or you find fault with the way they are doing things. LET IT GO. How someone else lives the lifestyle, or does their training, or the way they treat others, is generally a MYOB situation. (Exception is always if the other DOM is doing something that is hurting someone or others.) Becoming angry, fighting, and or adding fuel to an argument is usually seen by others as just two losers going at it.

Subs seeking to belong to someone seldom are attracted to jerks and crude people, and subs belonging to jerks and crude people seldom stay. It is common courtesy to greet all unknowns or newbies with respect. Sir or Ma'am is considered a proper greeting. If, for some reason, you are unsure of proper addressing, it is polite to ask, "How do you wish to be addressed?". Using Mr. or Ms. in front of a name is ALWAYS polite and respectful. To fail to show courtesy for others is to show that YOU do not have proper manners. Courtesy is always a form of respect. Only after they PROVE they do not deserve your respect can you withhold it, but make VERY sure they deserve it. If you start disrespecting those around you for the slightest "faux pax '' those around you will start giving you a lot of distance, and that could get very lonely. As a Dom, it is your responsibility to lead by example of being polite in all situations. (save the rude, crude stuff for the sub that needs and or asks for it) When addressing subs in conversation, there are different scenarios, some of which are indicated here:

1. The sub is on a leash or standing behind their Dom. In this case, it is rude to even acknowledge the presence of the sub, and it is up to their Dom to initiate any conversation with the sub, or not, as the Dom pleases.
2. The sub is beside or slightly between you and the Dom. If necessary, walk, as if the sub were just a chair, around the sub.
   • Always address the Dom first and allow the Dom to introduce you to the sub, or not as the Dom pleases.
3. The sub (with the Dom)is known to you, and you have had several previous conversations with this sub before. Even then, it is rude to talk to the sub before proper greetings are given to the Dom. Then it is always best to ask of the Dom, "and how is your sub 'sub name’ doing?" (This protocol may vary depending on the level of protocol and various groups.)
4. The sub is alone and appears not to be with someone.
   • “Hello, are you free to talk to Me?" is acceptable. DO NOT be offended if the sub indicates or says no. Many subs are owned and may be under orders not to talk to strangers.
5. If, for any reason, you are unsure of the type of person you are talking to, it is considered polite to ask, "I am Dom, are you Dom or sub?” Often, the person will release the information with a smile if you give yours first.
6. As a Dom, unsure of the type of person asking you this question, the polite answer is "I am Dom, and you are?”

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The big mistake is to say "call me MASTER/MISTRESS _______.” [1] The person actually only hears "you can call me master of being a dim dom." Any that have Master or Mistress in your name, sorry, but that is the way it really is. Many do not know you from Adam or Eve, and they do not call anyone Master /Mistress until they know them very well and respect them as such, and it is an HONORIFIC, not a given. (In some places, this may vary as well. Get to know your local group and its protocols so you will feel comfortable interacting within the group's dynamics.

Talking to anyone and demanding to be immediately called Master puts you on the same level as a child in the supermarket screaming "I want I want I want ..." As a Master or Mistress, you are only that to those that belong to you and have given that honorific to you. To demand that of anyone before you have earned it is to dishonor all around, and some actually may have proven they deserve a higher status than you, which would make you appear rather silly.

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In general conversation, a sub, from time to time, may forget to use the honorific Sir / Ma'am or Mr. / Ms. and may even make another minor mistake. If the sub is not yours, you are permitted, at worst, to frown to indicate you're a strict Dom. [2] You are NOT permitted to chide or otherwise take to task a sub for the omission. The exception is that you have permission from the sub's owner. If the sub someday becomes yours, you can always "You remember that time that you rudely....?" If the sub is yours, deal with it as you feel it should be dealt with. Quite often, a Dom will require of their sub certain protocols in speaking to another Dom or sub: The scenarios in this can be very complicated, so I would suggest that you, as a Dom, keep it open, honest, and simple. Initiating sub-to-sub conversation

I have general suggestions for you as a Dom to consider with your sub if approached by another sub How you have your sub approach or allow your sub to approach another is actually up to you. One. Freely sub to sub. " I am allowed to speak freely, are you?" If asked this of your sub and your sub is free to speak polite answer would be “Yes, I am." Two. Structured as your sub is a Dom to another sub, " I am allowed to speak freely, are you?" If asked this, the polite answer would be "My Dom requires I speak to you as a Dom and to be a Dom to other subs." Three. Structured as your sub is a sub to other subs. (This could really get out of hand if the other sub is required by their Dom to be sub to the other sub, and they could get into trying to out-sub the other.) " I am allowed to speak freely, are you?" If asked this, the polite answer would be "My Dom requires me to speak to you as a sub and to be a sub to other subs." Requiring the service of a sub is a big thing for Dom’s, but there are sharp and very firm rules governing this. Number one rule, and it is a big ONE.

To demand service of one who has not offered it is ABUSIVE of the person you are trying to order and of your status. You will lose status to all who know you actually had the unmitigated gall to try and order someone who is not of your service to serve you. The polite way is to request service, IE, "Would you do me the honor of...?" "May I request that you...?" Many subs are eager to serve and, approached in this manner, will happily comply. But this does not mean the sub is in service to you, and now belongs to you. The Dom MUST remember that if a sub is not in your service, they have the right to refuse POLITELY. The Dom MUST remember that subs quite often belong to someone and to try to use someone's sub with out permission may to the other Dom be the equivalent of using their tooth brush.

Safe Words are something that every DOM that hears it must OBEY. Upon hearing the words "RED LIGHT or just RED," the Dom's around must immediately ask the sub the reason for saying the safe words. Then they must ask the Dom who caused the sub to say the safe words, "why?" (Party or Organization safe words must receive the same response) Remember that if this happens during a scene, quite often a sub may be in no condition to actually explain why the safe words were issued. But all play must STOP until fully resolved. There is no exception. Guidance and or Protection of a sub Looking out for a frightened or an unsure sub is a responsibility, but it can also be a 'sticky wicket ' as the British like to say. If a sub known to you approaches you and asks, "With respect, Sir or Ma’am, may I ask for your 'Guidance or Protection'?" If you can, say "Granted" (or something along those lines). There are some subs that you may know that should not be 'granted protection'. It is required of you to state simply, "I am sorry, but at this time I am not able to do so." If you know you can not, for some reason, grant this protection, you have to leave, etc., you should then go to a fellow Dom and ask this Dom to watch over the sub or send the sub looking for the Dom you trust.

Understand, sometimes subs just need someone to be watching them and need the feeling of being watched or protected in an environment that, for some reason, has become hostile and threatening to the sub. (This does not mean the sub is in service to you, and you must remember protection is a transitory and is not a long-term obligation.) If the sub is not known to you. You may state, "If you stay near, I will watch out for you." It is recommended for your own safety to quickly find a friend to help "watch or protect" the sub, and a party host or DM is a good choice for help. At a private party, notify the host. Remember, not everyone is who or what they say they are, and some like to cause trouble, so just protect yourself if you do not know of or know the sub. Misuse of a sub trusting you is a major SIN in our world. If you are guiding or watching out for a sub, you are temporarily the sub's DM, not a play partner, and it would be a violation of the trust to attempt to take advantage of the trust. It is wise for Dom's to remember that service by a sub is given to you and ceases to be a gift if taken or demanded.

Therefore, when seeking to have a sub give of themselves to you, it quickly becomes a compatibility issue. If you have noticed that couples filled with love for each other always show respect for each other in ways the other appreciates. Quite often, these ways are formal to semi-formal in politeness. Developing this relationship is a continuous and ongoing negotiation. It is proper protocol for a DOM to ask how, why, when, where, and what. If you find out the correct directions, you can do it correctly over and over. If you do not ask for directions, you will end up doing it wrong over and over wrong, and everyone, including your own submissives, will consider you a dim dom.

Sub protocols

First is the public protocol. You, as an unowned sub, are responsible to your community, your friends, and your family. Drawing unwanted attention to our lifestyle is an insult to all who try so hard to just get along with their PTA and vanilla jobs and friends. Please use Common Sense and dress and act acceptably, and ask of yours to do so.

The first rule of a sub that belongs to someone or is in service to someone is:

Everything you say and do is a reflection on your DOM and on your service to your DOM.

For owned subs, it is your DOM that will determine your actions and behavior. Consider the following as the suggested protocol for owned subs.

The following is recommended for unowned subs.

Being polite shows respect, and no Dom wants or is interested in a sub that is not polite to all.

Some consider being formal with your speech as stuff and nonsense. Being formal will help to smooth over nerves and mistakes, so I highly recommend it.

You will find that being formal in your actions and speech will go a long way toward being accepted by others.

It is common courtesy to greet all unknowns or newbies with respect.

Sir or Ma'am is considered a proper greeting. (unless you have been instructed differently)

Using Mr. or Ms. In front of a name is (almost) always polite and respectful.

Failure to show courtesy to others shows that YOU do not have proper manners. Courtesy is always respectful.

Only after someone (sub or Dom) PROVES they do not deserve respect (courtesy) can you withhold it, but make VERY sure they deserve it. If you start disrespecting those around you for the slightest "faux pax '' those around you will start giving you a lot of distance, and that could get very lonely.

If, for any reason, you are unsure of the type of person you are talking to, it is considered polite to ask

" I am sub, are you Dom or sub?”.Often, the person will release the information with a smile if you give yours first.

As a sub, unsure of the type of person asking you this question, the polite answer is:

"I am sub, and you are?”

Initiating a conversation with a Dom

"With respect, Sir or Ma'am, may I speak with you?" would be very good manners.

When initiating a conversation with another sub, you should remember that a sub belonging to a DOM may have structured protocols as to how and who they may talk to.

You should always ask, "May I speak freely with you?" and is a polite way to start a conversation.

At all times, Sir / Ma'am or Mr. / Ms. is considered a proper honorific for those you meet.

Forgetting to do so in general conversation happens, and as an unowned sub, the most you should suffer is a frown from a very strict Dom.

Forgetting to do so in general conversation, while it happens as an owned sub, this becomes a subject for your owner and you, and not anyone else's business.

The sub has the right to say no and refuse anything they are not comfortable with or feel is wrong.

If you are "ordered" to do something by someone you do not belong to, you have the right to say no politely. IE:

• "With respect, 'Sir or Ma’am,' I do not know you and therefore must refuse your request.”
• ["With respect, 'Sir or Ma’am,' I do not know you and therefore must respectfully decline your request.” [3]
• "With respect 'Sir or Ma'am' I belong to _______ and am not allowed to serve others”
• ["'Sir or Ma’am,' I have not entered into service to you and must therefore respectfully decline your request.” [3]
• "With respect, 'Sir or Ma’am,' I have not entered into service to you and must therefore refuse your request.”

Upon the second demand for service from someone the sub has refused.

• "With respect, Sir or Ma’am, I have stated that I can not serve you. Please do not ask me again.”

Upon the third demand for service from someone the sub has twice refused, then the sub should walk away without speaking further and seek a DM or a Dom the sub knows and ask of the DM or Dom, "With respect, Sir or Ma’am, may I ask for your protection or assistance?

If before you can extract yourself from the immediate presence of the dom, and for the fourth time the dom demands service of you, say in a loud voice "red light" (or whatever is appropriate, recognized call for help wherever you happen to be). Any further demands by this dim dom grants you the right to yell "RED LIGHT” or “RED”.

From time to time, it is understood that a sub may become intimidated or frightened in a group or an unfamiliar situation.

When this happens, it is acceptable to seek out a Dom you know and respect and to ask, "With respect, Sir or Ma’am, may I ask for your guidance or protection?" When you ask for guidance or protection, you MUST remember you are placing an obligation on the Dom that is transitory, but it is an obligation. Playing with you is wrong. Using this "protection" to gain an edge with you is wrong, and doing so will cause the Dom to lose face in our community. Ask for Guidance or Protection carefully and only in needed.

Switch Protocol

This is determined more by the Mode you are in

Dom mode see Dom protocols

sub mode see sub protocols

The only difference is the need to be truthful to yourself and to others. IE:

If for any reason you are unsure of of type of person you are talking to, it is considered polite to ask

"I am a switch. Are you Dom or sub?"

As a switch. unsure of the type of person asking you this question, the polite answer is

"I am switch, and you are?”

Gay, Lesbian, Bi sexual, Transgender Protocol

Being GLBT ( Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender ) is a sexual orientation similar to being heterosexual and is not a kink.

Because GLBTs are really no different than anyone else, the majority may probably lead a very vanilla lifestyle, as seen by the majority of the Kink community. Of those that are kinky, some are Dom (see Dom Protocol), some are sub(see sub protocol), some are switches(see switch protocol).

Cross-Dressing Protocol

Treat the CD as they are dressed

Dressed as a man, treat them as you would any other man

Dressed as a woman, treat them as you would any other woman.

Because CDs are really no different than anyone else. The majority may probably lead a very vanilla lifestyle, as seen by the majority of the Kink community. Of those that are kinky, some are Dom (see Dom Protocol), some are sub(see sub protocol), some are switches(see switch protocol).

Munch Protocol

As a group in public, it is your responsibility to ensure that unwanted attention is not brought to the munch or to any group you belong to

NEVER bring a child to a munch for Adults.

It upsets the others and can cause others to leave, and repeated instances can cause the munch to be avoided and eventually closed.

There may be legal aspects that are not welcome for both you and others, and demonstrate that you are not responsible

I have seen children claiming to be mature for their age trying to get into adult chats. As this could get the adults arrested, it is an indication of irresponsibility to others, thereby proving immaturity.

Munches are a gateway for newbies to meet up and join various groups.

In light of this, the sponsor / organizer of the munch should choose a site that allows the newbie a chance to see and consider if they want to join or not. Give the newbie the option of leaving without being seen

I have seen many a munch set in an area that is hidden from public view. This causes the newbie not to go to a munch and can turn them off forever.

Munching is a way to break bread with friends, old and new, and keep it friendly.

Talk to the newbie as if you were a normal person and show friendship. You are not in a play situation, and it is bad form to try to talk to the newbie as if they were not in a public venue.

Munch's is a place to just relax and talk about things that under normal conditions would be taboo.

Munches are a place to learn about the BDSM community.

This is a time to teach the newbie about BDSM, to give advice and guidance, as it is the first step for some coming into the community.

It is best to have someone safe to talk to the newbie and let them know the rights that they have.

Too many subs are ruined by not knowing they have the right to say no. They end up in over their heads, thinking they have to do what the first 'DOM' that sees them tells them, even though it is a dim dom trying to snare them

Explain to the newbie what your organization is all about. Tell them about yourself as much as you feel comfortable with.

Questioning someone can make them nervous, so at first, avoid it

All questions about the newbie's real full name, where the newbie lives, and where the newbie works must not be asked. If you are willing to give the newbie everything about you, including your SS number, feel free. But do not ask them.

Be the one who comes forth with who you are in the scene, and a little about you and others who are at the munch.

When a newbie sees others openly discussing a taboo subject, they can talk about their interests more comfortably.

If you like to spank and perform bondage, let the newbie know what you're into first. Then ask politely what the newbies are interested in.

If the newbie is acting nervous, change the subject, or better ask someone else you know the same question

Don't scare the newbie. Remember, each individual as an experienced muncher is an ambassador of the community, the sub seeking. Try to make sure the sub knows they are welcome.

Party Protocol

First rule of party protocol is when going to or from the party, by dress or actions, do nothing that will draw attention or draw out the party and the Host or Hostess.

You will find there is almost always a dressing area for kink wear.

Party protocols are an issue that should be dealt with by the Party host and your group's rules.

The Main suggestion is to ask for a guide or someone to escort you around and familiarize yourself with new groups.

Check for and sign releases as required.

It is Important to remember the saying "Only fools rush in where wise men fear to tread."

It is important if you are invited to a party to be a good guest with good manners: never assume anything.

Always RSVP as it is very bad manners to just show up, even if you were invited.

Ask if you should bring something

It is a nice idea to bring a host or hostess gift.

Ask if you can bring a partner

Ask if you can help to set up or clean up afterwards. (This is a very good way to get to know others.)

If you play, make sure you clean up extremely well and do not leave toys all over everywhere.

As you are meeting new people, do not ask about their jobs, family, or real names

At your first few parties, do not expect to play, watch, politely listen, and learn.

If you see someone you really like, DO NOT stalk them or make them nervous. You will meet them again and get to know them. (I had cards made up for my e-mail to give out at the end of the night.)

When you come upon a scene, you are encouraged to silently watch from a distance

Generally, the Couple and or those in the scene want to be seen; they are the performers. Please be a good audience.

Talking is bad manners in any audience.

Never intrude on a scene, as it is the height of rudeness to even talk to the Dom and twice as bad to try to talk to the sub. If the Dom sees you and knows you, the Dom might invite you in and explain what is happening and what you can do.

If impact play is taking place, note who is the closest, and who is furthest, then get even further away as the backlash on a whip can cut your face badly.

NEVER touch the toys

NEVER try to take part in the scenarios that are happening.

You do not know the scenario.

You do not know the sub and the limits.

You were not part of the negotiations in developing the scene.

You will only cause the scene to be ruined for all concerned.

After the scene is done, there is usually aftercare.

During this time, it is a quiet time for the sub as the sub is brought back out of sub space.

This may include massages, body inspections, snuggling, and other comforting and bonding between the Dom and sub, and is actually often part of the scene.

After the aftercare and the Dom is talking to others, you may approach and courteously ask about the toys and or what the scene was about.

This is a good time to learn from the Dom, and usually, they love to brag and teach how they use their toys.

These are my thoughts, and this is a living document subject to change, and therefore all suggestions or comments should be sent mailto:les.is.more.m1@gmail.com?subject=comments suggestions on protocols.

All rights are reserved by the author. Copyright ©2005 by LES IS MORE(m). May not be published in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author. Published by cleo_MG with the consent of the author.

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