Print this page
Soft Limits
Please take a moment to read the article titled 'Hard Limits' before continuing to read this article.[*AN see links below for Hard Limits, Negotiation]
Limits refer to the 'range' of play acceptable to an individual in the D/s or BDSM lifestyle community. This allows a person to state their preferences and taboos before entering a relationship. The goal is to make sure, as much as possible, that the person's unique issues, beliefs, rights, needs, and desires are clearly understood. Some people even write contracts listing these limits to avoid later misunderstandings.
In a play 'scene' or 'session,' it is assumed the Dominant will not violate the submissive's stated preferences or limits. At the same time, it is also assumed that the Dominant will test, extend, or stretch some of those stated limits. These two statements may seem to conflict.
Part of the complexity of the BDSM world revolves around its constant contradictions. It is a complete Paradox. Limits are those things that the submissive is most sensitive to. Within those limits hide their fears, embarrassments, shames, guilt, and especially pains. It is not uncommon for a submissive to state a limit, knowing, wanting, and desiring for their Dominant to take them into that place where they are unable to go alone. This is called a Soft Limit. A Limit where the identification of a limit means danger, not a stop. Soft Limits are things that challenge the mind, the body, the spirit, and the past.
When a Dominant and a submissive are first exploring each other to see if a relationship is possible, they will engage in intense conversations. Within these conversations, they will discuss the range of limits and play that each hopes or feels a need to engage in. Also within these conversations will be a discussion of forbidden or hard limits. Areas that are never to be challenged, stretched, or extended by the Dominant. Both people need to communicate clearly and openly and listen clearly and openly to what the other person is saying. If a submissive can identify and state their hard limits, then the Dominant will have a means to clearly understand where the submissive is coming from. After establishing these hard limits, the conversation will often move further into Soft Limits.
Beginning Soft Limits:
- NO BLOOD SPORTS (Guns, knives, needles, or any object that penetrates the skin membrane)
- NO WATER SPORTS (Urine or Feces play - this involves serious health risks)
- NO AIR SPORTS (Asphyxia, choking, strangulation, or blockage of the airways - again, this involves a serious health risk)
- NO BROKEN BONES, MUTILATION, or PERMANENT BODY MARKINGS
- NO OVERT HUMILIATION or MENTAL EDGE PLAY
Note: There are numerous other aspects of play which the individual submissive may consider to be limits, some of the most common are gags, blindfolds, confined spaces, heights, suspension, multiple scening, bisexual or homosexual scening, overt humiliation, public scening, as well as a full range of limitations on certain types of specific equipment or toys. As you can see, the variations and options regarding Soft Limits are virtually 'limitless' [grins].
A submissive may state any number of things as a 'limit' with the knowledge that many of these 'limits' will be challenged and changed over time. Nothing remains constant except Hard Limits. ALL other limits evolve, harden, or disappear over time and experience within the Lifestyle. Playing 'against' these 'soft or fluid' limit boundaries is the dangerous and tenuous challenge of the Dominant. It is often part of the Dominant's desire to 'take' a submissive beyond the point where that submissive believes they can go. To soar, to fly, and to transcend those thresholds. Often, in edge play, a submissive finds ways to release debris from incidents or injuries in the past, to build new memories and experiences, and open doors inside of themselves to places they have never believed themselves able to go. This is a fragile exploration. It is easy to err in edge play, to go further than you should. This is the area where good communication between a Dominant and a submissive becomes essential. It is not the desire of a Dominant to injure or damage their submissive; they desire to meet their submissives 'true needs. Playing along the lines of the contradiction is where both will find the greatest dangers and the greatest rewards.
This web page is owned by F.R.R. Mallory - also known as Mistress Steel, including
all content and logos. This webpage has been redesigned to be easy to read. The
information on this page is designed to inform and entertain; it is not meant to offer
professional or legal advice. The content of this webpage may be excerpted from
Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and
Consensual, Dangerous Choices, or other books by F.R.R. Mallory; all the content is
copyright-protected under United States and International Copyright Law. Please
click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books
and others by F.R.R. Mallory.
For limited release, re-posting, web-sharing information regarding any of the articles
on this website, or to sign up for the Steel-Door Newsletter direct mailing, please
email SteelBfl@sonic.net.
long text
Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.
To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or by the OP's noms de plume: "Mistress Steel" and "F.R.R. Mallory".
Retrieved April 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20120127130954/http://www.steel-door.com/soft_limits.htm.
Article on "Hard Limits" here.
Article on "Negotiating Limits" here.