Respect

Respect

Respect

To consider worthy of high regard...the state or quality of being esteemed or expressions of deference...

Worthy. Deserving. Respect is something that cannot be given. It is earned and inspired by consistent actions. Many people mouth or offer casual expressions of verbal respect. It is part of our common social structure to trot out phrases and words with an ease born of a lifetime of training. In addition, many people 'demand' expressions of respect. This, in part, negates the true meaning of the word and concept. You cannot 'demand' something and expect what you receive to be an authentic representation of reality. It isn't.

Within the BDSM community, it is common to find large numbers of people who believe that merely 'naming' themselves or 'self-labeling' ensures them the 'right' to expressions of respect. It doesn't. Since this practice is quite common within the online community, it should be noted that 'self-labeling' merely identifies what the individual 'wishes' to portray at that given moment. It does not make someone 'respectable'. Insistence on honorific titles may be an indicator of a person with potentially serious ego issues. It is my opinion that if your ego is healthy, you will not need or require constant verbal stroking from unknown strangers. For something to be of worth or value, it must be earned. To me, that means the old-fashioned or hard way. Through long-term consistent behavior, becoming worthy of increased personal respect.

When moving within the pixel dust world of the cyber community, it is my suggestion that we offer to each other the common courtesy one would offer any guest. Nothing more nor less. Consider the individual's choice of identification merely that, a personal choice. Try to maintain courtesy within conversations, but try not to 'gift' to a person what they have not actively demonstrated they have earned. I have found that many people present themselves as socially graceless. They seem to desire to use crudity, open disrespect, anger, crass or tawdry language, and expect that such usage is acceptable because they are 'self-labeled identity' (usually Dom). How can one expect to inspire respect if they themselves are unable to behave respectably? Unable to carry themselves with pride, dignity, and grace?

I believe it becomes even more important to reinstate forms of common courtesy. Especially if you consider the potential of the Internet in a real way, with an expectation of possibly making real-life long-term friendships and relationships. By accepting or allowing rude and crude behavior or expressions of overt disrespect, we as a community lower our standards. Being a member of this community does not mean you are immoral, irrational, sick, disgusting, mentally ill, or without quality. To be without quality is a personal choice and should not reflect on any other person besides the individual who makes that choice.

If you are going to place your life and your trust in an individual, it becomes increasingly important to recognize that it is important to make those choices well. From a Dominant's perspective, it is necessary to be respectable, trustworthy, and inspire those feelings in the submissives you interact with. It is necessary to live with those traits in the forefront. You cannot 'force' anyone to respect you. And, respect offered without having been earned is of questionable worth at best. Be leery of persons too willing to thrust expressions of unearned respect at you!

It is easy to be strict and strong and still maintain decorum or control over your personal behavior and choices. In addition, it is a reflection of the individual when they freely elect or choose to behave in manners that are questionable in terms of honesty and truth. Pay attention to the individual's actions, not their words. People are quite capable of telling you what they believe you want to hear. Look to the minutia, the details. Are they consistent, open, and honest? Or are there things that just don't fit properly?

Genuine respect is something quite different from verbal blandishments of respect. It is offered without colorings of fear or expectations of reciprocation. It is equally important that we each come to respect ourselves. To every action of personal dishonesty, there is at least one witness. You! If you make choices that are dishonest, you will, in some manner, project that outward, or you will always know and recognize the falsity of others' opinions, which will color your relationships. Lying tends to be a failure to accept oneself in honesty. Part of becoming whole as an individual is in self-acceptance. I find this especially true in the D/s community, where we must learn to embrace our true selves, which generally is at odds with larger community standards. Failure to totally accept our natural expressions leads to internal conflicts, which may be visited upon others by actions of anger and destruction. Uncontrolled outbursts can and often are abusive, which is directly at odds with one of the most crucial basic premises of D/s.

long text

Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or by the OP's noms de plume: "Mistress Steel" and "F.R.R. Mallory".

Retrieved April 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20120127115725/http://www.steel-door.com/Respect.html.

Respect

A feeling of deep admiration for someone’s abilities or qualities, and the act of treating people, ideas, or things with consideration and politeness.

Synonyms: esteem, regard, admiration, honor, reverence, and deference.