A Guide for Brand New Dominants

I’ve gotten messages from new dominants asking for advice on how to dominate. When I gave advice it turned into the newer dominant asking me to hold his hand and provide details I felt were unnecessary. The more I’ve since thought about those occurrences the more I thought of my own beginnings in BDSM and how I too would’ve welcomed some formula or guidance to follow. So this piece is intended for very new dominants who feel they need their hand held a bit. I will list a few skills to have, what your objective should be and how to go about it. If you find this helpful, please share; it helps a ton! Don’t forget to check my blog for any other subjects that might interest you.

1. Presence

Objective: Cause a submissive to be captivated by you and what you have to say and want to do. 

Suggested practice: When it comes to establishing a presence, this one will take a fair bit of practice. I feel very comfortable with it after a lot of practice over 6 years. So let’s get into details. Observation of your audience is paramount. See if you can discern his interests either from his profile or from what the subject is saying or doing near you. There’s never harm in asking, that’s a great way to start a conversation. Once you know the audience’s interests, start integrating them into your conversation. You want to project confidence (even if you feel nervous). If you’re typing, use strong language. Namely, language that conveys certainty, inevitability, confidence… for example: “If you were my boy I’d always make sure you had my fat cock to suck on!” not “Well if you’re amenable, I might pull my cock out of my pants for you to suck… If you wanted…” Confidence is an important part of getting a submissive’s attention and holding it. After all, confidence is a hallmark of domination. 

Once you’ve gotten some information on your audience, you want to drill down on issues and make him horny and hard. When men are horny, their capacity to think is limited, making them predictable. That predictability is vital because we’re going to make use of it to make ourselves come across as mind-reader. You want to make some dirty talk to show off your skill as a dominant. Once you’re sure your audience is horned up. Throw out: “you’re hard aren’t you?” And when they affirm, refer back to the piece of dirty talk that you think got the best reaction: “It was when I said I would wrap twine around your nuts until they were jutting out exposed and give them a nice punch, wasn’t it?” You should get another affirmation. At this point, if you’re getting better at getting boys to this point, stick a foot out and see if you can get them to agree to predictions. “I bet you’ve sized up my cock to figure out how much of a challenge it would be to fit in your hole.” The trick in predictions is to start out vague but then narrow down to become more specific as time goes on. You can get more specific as you learn how your boy thinks, but starting out vague and being successful at getting him to affirm your statements is what lays the groundwork for a boy thinking you have mind-reading powers. A boy who feels like you know him inside and out, who feels your confidence will be pliable in your hands. That is the power of presence.

2. Respect

Suggested practice: Submissives are people too. Dominants are people too. Forget what you’ve seen in porn, it will lead you astray. Let me also break that down for you quickly. Porn is mass-produced. The more generally applicable porn is, the better it sells. Porn never seeks to diversify anywhere that does not profit it to do so. For example, the preponderance of white actors in most twink porn and how anything with a white and non-white actor would be deemed interracial (a genre unto itself). So, porn is not a good role model for how a dominant should act. I would recommend “The Topping Book” By Dossie Eastman. That book gives examples of real-life dom/sub couples who play correctly with regard to respect for one another. Respect for a sub produces a greater rate of return play partners.

3. Dirty Talk

Objective: Be confident enough in dirty talk to use it when flirting and in the moment. 

Suggested practice: I want to start off with the simplest most basic dirty talk advice. Always keep in mind the words of Dan Savage (sex advice columnist and funny guy): “Describe what you’re going to do, describe what you are doing, and describe what you just did.” This is the simplest most basic level of dirty talk. With this in mind, you can always fall back on that advice if you get stuck or don’t know what to say. This will help you be a bit more confident you won’t run out of material at the moment and empower you to be bold in your dirty talk. 

I wrote advice on this subject here but will expand on it in this article in a shortened fashion. Know your audience’s interests, you need those to rev them up and make the dirty talk relevant to the person you’re talking to. Once you know the interests of the subject of the dirty talk, it is also helpful to think through a few lines in advance while you’re calm and not at the moment. Think them through, adjust them to taste, and then think through another. The objective is not to remember them all and spout them like a machine (if you can remember them all kudos), but rather to have them in the background of your mind for you to draw on when your mind goes blank at the moment. The subconscious is not creative; it will draw on existing knowledge and thoughts you’ve had.

4. Setting up a scene

Objective: Set up a scene that is generally applicable so you can have something to practice with a new sub. 

Suggested practice: You want to set up a “scene”. This is a pre-constructed experience you will guide the submissive through. I also wrote an article on this here, but will summarize it here in more detail. Things to think about in the scene will be related to each of the senses. Do you want to have candles that burn in the background? The added flickering light and the smell of leather in the background are a good place to start. For your first scene, make sure that whatever you set up is easy and fairly basic to do. It should be something you can set up for in about 10 minutes. Consider any paddles or toys you might need and make sure they have a place in the scene. Then think through the flow of your scene. Write it down your first time and review it. You do not need to worry about keeping it forever, or even improving on it much. It’s useful because submissives often ask “so what do you normally do with guys”. Having an answer for that will take a lot of pressure off of you at the moment if you weren’t expecting to hear that.

5. Persona

Objective: Pick out a persona to inhabit when dominating  

Suggested practice: Again, I’ve written an article on the different types of dominants (click here) and I’ll summarize what I think is relevant here. You should peruse the different types of dominant above and think about which one resonates with you. The purpose behind a persona is that it helps one enter a dominant headspace. A dominant headspace is a kind of like “the zone” to use a sports metaphor. It is a mental space where you just start smoothly behaving as your dominant self. It helps to have a sense of what your persona as a dominant is like, because if you think you’re a “corporate type”. Get a nice suit and everything that goes with it. Donning that outfit can make you feel bold and eventually serve as a “trigger” of sorts to get you into that headspace just by wearing the outfit. Headspace is a powerful place, you feel confident and powerful, your thoughts flow naturally, and it makes being dominant far easier. Practice entering dominant headspace should come every time you play.