Consequences

Consequences -

A consequence is the 'necessary result' of an action.

If you consider actions to be manifestations of decisions, then the applied consequence by extension becomes a means of training or shaping decisions/actions. A behavior tool.

How we view consequences is generally through the viewpoint of experience. Our first learning experiences are based upon emphatic interaction, where a behavior we display creates a result. As an infant, we almost instantly learn that if we cry, we will probably be picked up, fed, changed, held, comforted, and made safe. We learn to interpret consequences to mean an expression of caring, cherishment, and love. If there are no consequences to an action, we often feel bereft and may even believe that what we do is meaningless if no one indicates to us that it has meaning through relating to us regarding what we have done. If no one cares, is what we do meaningful?

As we grow into the outer world, these lessons are often reinforced even when we begin to encounter chaotic events which do not appear to 'relate' to cause and effect. When we run into these chaotic events, they often make us feel insecure, exposed, and vulnerable. This often results in feelings of fear and anxiety.

To reduce those feelings, we recreate order and structure around us. In an S/m relationship, particularly when the individuals approaching it are 'new' to the lifestyle, there is often expressed an almost desperate 'need' for overt structure, order, and consequences. For whatever reason, the individual sometimes finds themselves at a place of internal instability, which they are willing to do almost anything to fix. It is common to hear promises of absolute obedience to direction, anything the bottom can say to encourage the top to 'take control' or establish a structure of consequences 'over' or 'for' the bottom.

It is equally important to recognize here that the top may experience the same feelings. It is quite common to find a top describing how their 'marriage' or former relationship was unhappy, how their relationship was out of control with intense arguing, fights, discipline problems with children, overwhelming debt, etc.

Both of these examples are the same side of the same coin. The only difference being that one person wants to impose direction in order for consequences to exist, while the other person wishes to receive direction in order for consequences to exist.

It is crucial to remember here that most people coming from traditional relationships, which might be described this way, are seeking the 'opposite' of their relationship experience. Very often, the 'bottom' in the past was placed in the position of 'creating order' (such as Mommy Domme), and the top in the past was placed in the position of 'receiving direction'.

Both have essentially decided that they 'didn't like' the experience. That it didn't give them the sense or feeling of nurturing and care that they craved to feel

The establishment of consequences may create a structure that is familiar with nurturing and caring, but the individuals should not mistake the structure for the feeling.

Consider it this way: A parent establishes boundaries, order, structure, consequences, and applies these directives across the span of time their 'child' - - NEEDS - - this structure to 'be safe' or 'possess their feelings'. At some point, the child will cease needing this externally applied structure and will be able to direct their own behavior in a manner to keep them safe, feel good, on their own. The love between the parent and the child doesn't change, but the need for overt direction does change.

No relationship remains captured. What a bottom needs at the beginning of a relationship is almost certain to be vastly different from what they appear to need later on. While consequences should exist in the areas where those involved have or possess absolute beliefs (such as fidelity or trust), in other areas, the consequences should be adaptive or flexible enough to change with the individuals.

What should happen is for the focus of both partners to be upon the delivery of feelings and expressions of nurturing and care to their partner. While a vehicle of 'consequence' can be used to enhance these feelings, it should never be used 'instead of' these feelings. It is the feelings of nurturing and care that are important for the continuation of the relationship, not the shape, design, or roles that you use to structure how you want the relationship to function. Remember that all structures are rigid; they are just guidelines. You have to amend and adapt them to the changes that occur in your life. In order to do that, you have to have open communication without consequences. This becomes contradictory if you impose a rigid structure.

If all you have is a rigid structure of 'do this' or else. Then at some point your 'child' will grow up, move out, and leave you alone.

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