Testing

Testing~

The act or process that reveals inherent qualities, traits, or characteristics. A procedure for determining a change in condition. A technique for measuring an individual's personal characteristics, potentialities, or accomplishments objectively by comparing his behavior in response to standard stimuli or situations.

Within relationships, it is fairly common for there to be an ongoing testing process by both individuals to independently determine the nature of the individual based on the internal measuring process of the person issuing the test. Much of this testing is 'silent,' and some occurs on a subconscious level wherein the observer 'looks for' expected responses to various information or stimulation as that opportunity presents itself. If the individual is 'insecure' in the strength of the bond connecting them to their partner, this form of testing may increase and become more overt as they seek to discover or determine the 'reason' for this internal insecurity, believing that it exists within the 'other person' rather than within themselves.

Testing itself can undermine the basic foundations of a relationship by polarizing the partners or placing one or both in a defensive posture as their primary interactive mode. Questioning of the fundamental integrity of the individual indicates that the person testing no longer simply believes that this integrity exists, they now seek a form of independent proof if it's existence. At this point what they may be saying is that they no longer 'believe' in the word of their partner, they are indicating a suspicion of their actions and expressing a belief that their partner is no longer exemplifying the noted traits and may have directed their attention elsewhere allowing them to form and direct deceit at their partner.

Testing is generally used to prove the existence of suspected faults, sometimes enough to allow the tester to mentally detach themselves from the implied agreement or covenant inherent to the relationship. Overt testing seldom occurs suddenly or without warning. Most often, there are significant signs within the relationship that the relationship is altering or changing, becoming less important or fulfilling for at least one person involved in the relationship. The desire to keep or cling to a relationship that is ending may express that the individual is insecure about moving on to other or new relationships. They may resent the ending processes of a relationship and desire to affix blame or assign hurt and responsibility. No relationship can be captured in the moment of its greatest height; all relationships and those within them are constantly evolving and changing. A good analogy would be the attempt to capture a piece of the ocean in a small bottle. The life, vibrancy, and flow of the ocean are in large part due to its freedom. Containment of a small part of that ocean results in a little bit of dead and stagnant water, without any of the attributes that made its true nature so wonderful.

By 'trapping' people within the confines of structure, or the expectations and demands of proper relationship behavior, it is common for at least one person within that relationship to reach a point of feeling stagnant, stifled, contained, trapped, and often misled. The joy of sharing oneself with one's partner has become a responsibility for the delivery of behavior. As this point is approached, the strains of performing to an unnatural standard of behavior will often be displayed as anger, irritation, conflict, argument, recriminations, and the identification of fault. As the relationship becomes less stable, the fear of loss will increase, further escalating the breakdown of open expression and communication. Rather than address these issues or problems, many people release their commitment to their relationship and form a new relationship outside of their existing relationship to start the exact same process over again.

The success of a relationship is often based upon the flexibility of those within it. To survive the changes that each person will undergo, all persons within the relationship have to have the capacity to adapt, change, and alter as their situations and experiences change. By being less rigid and more open to these changes, they are more able to consider changes in a different light. Internal security is often based upon how well the individual knows themselves, not others. If the individual is comfortable and secure in who they are, how and why they are living their life in the way they are, they will not view their partner as necessary for their comfort and security, or they will not attach these external burdens onto their partner but instead hold the care and welfare for their own comfort and security within themselves. This decision to live within a relationship with a conscious 'removal of burdens' or refusal of imposition of responsibility for welfare changes the level of freedom experienced within the relationship. If a relationship is constructed based upon being fulfilling and joyous and less about meeting expectations and goals, then the orientation within the relationship will be toward the positive.

It is impossible to 'own' the feelings of another person. At best, you can 'rent' them and lie to yourself that you own them. Feelings and expressions of endearment are unfixed, fluid, etheric constructions that you cannot hold, trap, or contain in yourself or through contractual language. You cannot expect reciprocation for your own verbalized expressions, nor view such a loss of reciprocation as a violation of the contract. The concept of the contract itself is at odds with the nature of being human. What you can own are your own feelings; what you can share is the nature of those feelings for other humans. However, this expression has to be free. You should not expect something from it, no payment or exchange. If you have an expectation of payment, then what you offer is unclean; it is tainted by fear.

When looking for a person to form a relationship with, look for the basic traits and characteristics that you share. In this way, you are more likely to evolve in a similar fashion and more likely to understand each other as those changes occur. Any guarantees offered are 'lies'.

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