Print this page
Taking Responsibility
I have spent a long time mentoring people in the S/m world. For the most part, I find that virtually all of them are selfishly seeking to address their own needs, with little regard for the other person. This goes in ALL directions. I am approached every day that I am online by a person telling me they are a submissive on one hand and telling me what they want and need on the other. My potential needs and desires are not even considered; they believe I am here waiting to do for them. There is an expectation that being an acceptable attitude. It isn't. I listen to so many subs complaining of the quality and attitudes of the dominants they run into. How those dominants appear to be concerned purely with their own sexual and dominant fulfillment. How they feel used and discardable. This too is unacceptable.
There is a pervasive belief that because you are now oriented toward a different lifestyle, it is permissible to break all the rules of good conduct, ethics, morality, sexual responsibility, and basic human dignity. It is not permissible. If anything, these characteristics become even more important. A great Dom and a great sub share one crucial trait. They are both oriented toward giving pleasure to the person they are with. That orientation means that they receive pleasure by giving pleasure. If either person is a taker, then their partner inevitably becomes energy-depleted, for the taker will suck on them.
This way of life makes the individuals involved even more vulnerable to damage than a typical vanilla lifestyle. Its foundation is based on a requirement for personal honesty and trust. If either person involved has a cavalier attitude toward either trait, they are unacceptable to try to form a relationship with. When a person is oriented solely on addressing their own needs, they cannot and will not ever fulfill the needs, hopes, and desires of the person they are with. To be blunt, if you are speaking with a misunderstood married man or woman, and considering them for a potentially long-term relationship. Stop! This person, by speaking with you, is demonstrating their inability to keep their word or oath. That means they are fundamentally dishonest and untrustworthy, neither of which you can afford in a S/m relationship.
Being a real dominant requires that you seek the keynotes and triggers buried deep inside the submissive. This requires hard work, energy, and dedication. And it requires a high level of personal trust and belief in your partner. During play, the dominant is the active ingredient. The submissive is the passive ingredient. Both form a circular loop of interaction and response. Both find and receive pleasure within this matrix. A dominant in directing, a submissive in taking that direction and flying...
A dominant who is closed off or self-oriented is a top or even a full-out sadist. They direct action for their pleasure alone, without a real care for the feelings, emotions, or experience of the person they are with. At best, it is a shallow one-dimensional reflection of the real thing. At worst, it is devastatingly damaging.
But it is impossible to simply blame the dominant here. All submissives should seek out and, by dismissal, accept only dominants of quality. To do that, they must accept personal responsibility for exercising good, sound, solid judgment. To be valued, you must believe you are of value. It is too easy to blame the actions of others and overlook personal responsibility in our needs and desires for personal fulfillment. This is no blind man's game.
This web page is owned by F.R.R. Mallory - also known as Mistress Steel, including
all content and logos. This webpage has been redesigned to be easy to read. The
information on this page is designed to inform and entertain; it is not meant to offer
professional or legal advice. The content of this webpage may be excerpted from
Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and
Consensual, Dangerous Choices, or other books by F.R.R. Mallory; all the content is
copyright-protected under United States and International Copyright Law. Please
click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books
and others by F.R.R. Mallory.
For limited release, re-posting, web-sharing information regarding any of the articles
on this website, or to sign up for the Steel-Door Newsletter direct mailing, please
email SteelBfl@sonic.net.
long text
Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.
To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or by the OP's noms de plume: "Mistress Steel" and "F.R.R. Mallory".
Retrieved May 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20120127120759/http://www.steel-door.com/Taking_Responsibility.html.