Shame

Shame

Shame:

A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.

Shame has been used as a control tool for countless centuries. As societies form, they create appropriate rules of conduct. These 'rules' quickly solidify into mandatory behavior for those people living within that society. If an individual acts in defiance of the 'rules,' they may be 'shamed' or overtly regarded by those around them with a removal of respect. The society punishes the individual by imposing judgment upon the individual through shunning, disdain, withdrawal of approval, isolation, and a myriad of other kinds of actions of mental and emotional brutality.

Loss of 'status' within a community often propels people into the usage of shaming behaviors against the individual who has suffered the loss of status. Shame is effective when the individual carries or feels 'regard', value, or worth in the opinions and feelings of those surrounding them. Some cultures refer to this as a 'loss of face'. Respect and reputation are intrinsically intertwined.

Within our society, there has been a slow but steady growth of 'permission to disrespect'. It has become acceptable to show overt and even direct disrespect to other people. At times, this 'action' is applauded, approval often driving the individual to show this disrespect with frequency. In a sense, people are often 'taught' to show disrespect by the reward of attention. There is a suggestion that expressing divergent opinion in a dismissive, argumentative, or destructive way is an expression of the individual's personal strength.

This presumption is utterly wrong. Actions of overt disrespect 'shame' the person taking the action. You cannot gain or build respect for yourself if you do not offer that same respect to others. If you are in a marriage that is failing and you choose to 'disrespect' your spouse or co-parent by verbal denigration of that spouse to your children, family, friends, and coworkers, you are actually choosing to shame your children, parents, and friends.

Using shame expresses 'weakness' of character to those around you. Shame is a negative control technique. Its path is destructive and damaging, for it uses mental and emotional feelings and responses to 'force' others into compliance. It is a nonconsensual tool.

Everything counts. Every word you say and action you take, however minor in appearance or taken through lack of thought by you. If you have taken on a habit of expressing negative verbal commentary about yourself, your relationship partner, your children, or your friends, if you 'actively' express disrespect for them through chiding comments, then you need to remember that each of those words spoken or thought does damage. Every attempt to 'reduce' that person will strike in tiny blows at the fabric of the bond that you hold between yourself and that person. Eventually, the other person or people will erect mental barriers to prevent your words from damaging them further. These barriers push you away from them, reducing communication, contact, physical interaction, love, and attention. In addition, if you act in disrespect of others, what you truly accomplish is a removal of respect for yourself. You cannot 'elevate' your status in anyone's eyes by taking actions that express a lack of respect.

In addition, by talking 'ugly' about other people, you are often 'telling' them that you disrespect their ability to form a reasoned opinion about whomever you are speaking about. You may appear to be 'forcibly' imposing your opinion upon them, and further suggesting to them that you will look with disrespect on them if they do not 'share' your opinion.

Every human has unique characteristics that make them the interesting individuals that they are. The decision to view these characteristics as important or minor, negative or positive, is yours. Being openly and fully supportive of those you cherish is your decision. It is not necessary to agree with every minute detail that others take to offer them genuine respect. It is not necessary to 'expose' the details you may not agree with to anyone. Part of respect is valuing other people's total right to live and feel differently from you. By offering that respect, you will earn it for yourself.

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Retrieved April 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20120111064544/http://www.steel-door.com/shame.htm.
Also found May 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20010418033130/http://www.steel-door.com/shame.htm.

Definition

Shame:

1) A painful, often subconscious emotion rooted in a negative self-evaluation—the deep belief that one is fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or inadequate, rather than just having made a mistake.
2) Feelings of disgrace, humiliation, and a desire to hide.

Synonyms: dishonor, ignominy, mortification, and degradation.