Sane

Sanity

Much is said about Safe, Sane, and Consensual within the BDSM lifestyle; it has become a cornerstone catchword for living. What isn't being discussed is the necessary evaluation of mental condition that it entails upon all people. This occurs on both sides of the slash. A Dominant and submissive must carefully evaluate the apparent mental state of any person they are considering entering into a relationship with. This is far more difficult than it appears. Few of us are psychological experts, and the simple truth is that sometimes persons who are the 'least' competent mentally can mask themselves sufficiently to 'appear' sane to those they are interacting with. An example of this was Ted Bundy, who was very intelligent and very, very good at presenting an image of the sane and safe person to lure his victims to their deaths...

Evaluating sanity in the best of times is very difficult. Most often, we offer people 'allowances' for circumstances, prior events, crisis, stress, etc. In our effort to find that perfect someone, we tend to 'quiet' our internal voices when they raise questions as to the veracity of the individual's word or suggest that perhaps all is not right with someone. This is exactly the opposite of what should be happening here. BDSM is not innocent or without risk and danger. That risk transcends many levels of life.

From a Dominant's perspective, if the submissive they are communicating with and considering seriously to enter into a relationship with, is in any way demonstrating a lack of competence or diminished mental state, then that Dominant must consider that individual submissive potentially incapable of making a consensual 'sane' choice regarding engaging in activities which can and may be seriously dangerous to their health, both mentally and physically. A person demonstrating a lack of care for their personal health is not mentally competent (in my opinion). This can be demonstrated in lifestyle activities that have sustainable and distinct negative impacts on the individual's daily life. Things like addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, pain, food, etc. Also, those routinely having personal 'crisis' beyond the normal which could be expected in any life may, in some way, be through their personal choices, bringing these actions upon themselves. This can also be considered to be self-destructive and indicative of a less-than-healthy mental state.

From the submissive's perspective, selecting a Dominant who is less than mentally healthy may end up costing them their life. This is not the exchange that a submissive is looking for, nor the ideal mate they may be seeking in their life. The submissive should look for signs of mental distress in any Dominant they are considering entering into a relationship with. The same signs of disarray, addictions, crisis, or frequent events, etc., are listed above. It is my honest opinion that an individual in good mental health will care about all areas of their lives. They will look to their personal physical health, maintain good relations with people they care for (such as extended family), have a moderate number of friends, and engage in activities outside of the BDSM world. A well-rounded and non-fixated life with richness and depth in many different areas.

Though I have categorized submissive from Dominant here, the signs of mental health or incompetence are the same for both. The risks and dangers or the level of danger are not the same. This is easy to see in the potentially life-threatening position of bondage that the submissive must engage in very early in the relationship. The first gift of the submissive is absolute trust. Placed poorly that trust can and does at times cost a submissive their life. However, other issues exist here, too. If either person selects someone who is very compulsive, jealous, or subject to sudden outbursts of extreme rage or violence, they can find themselves in a nightmare situation.

People, regardless of their BDSM orientation, live socially in the outer society. Most hold jobs, have children, go to PTA and Scout meetings, and attend church. They have reputations to protect. The threat of exposure can be very real and turn voluntary submission into forced submission. And, can force a Dominant to continue in a relationship they know is flawed and unsafe. Actions to be looking for are any usage of personal threats, fear, embarrassment, shame, or guilt. If a person attempts to control someone else using any of these as tools, then it is a huge warning sign that they should be avoided. I say 'a person' here because manipulation can come from both sides and does. Sometimes I talk with people who threaten to 'commit suicide' if their Dom/sub leaves them. They forcibly impose a power exchange in an effort to control the actions of the other person. In some cases, they cannot distinguish a lie from the truth and will use any form of deceit in order to attain or attempt to attain the goal they seek. These signs are indicative of significant problems, and professional help should be quickly sought.

Then we have people who routinely vacate personal responsibility for anything negative that occurs in or around their lives. We each can make choices that can place us in positions of compromise. If we choose to get drunk and engage in a sex orgy, explanations after the fact are simply not good enough. Something within the individual encouraged them to take those actions in the first place (a sign of mental problems). Shifting responsibility or finding justifications or excuses for obvious behavior and choice problems is a good indication that the person has some work to do to be in a stable state. In order for the terms Safe, Sane, and Consensual to mean anything, both people need to be mentally competent and stable. Otherwise, engaging in-scene with someone incompetent does violate all three of the credos. An incompetent submissive may or may not express the truth about their limitations, may or may not be able to make choices that are healthy for them mentally, and, with the mental state impaired, cannot be fully considered to be able to offer their rational consent! An incompetent Dominant may become obsessed to the point of destroying their submissive either mentally or physically!

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Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or by the OP's noms de plume: "Mistress Steel" and "F.R.R. Mallory".

Retrieved April 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20120127132456/http://www.steel-door.com/Sane.html.

Other relevant links: RACK vs SSC here, Safe here, Consensual here, and Challenging Consent here.