Hard Limits

Hard Limits

One of the first questions asked of a new submissive is "What are your limits?" To some extent, this is a meaningless question because a new submissive doesn't know the answer to that question, because they have never had those limits tested or challenged. Because of this, it is not uncommon for a submissive to state that "They have no limits!" [*AN see links below for Soft Limits, Negotiation]

The statement of no limits can mean only two things. Either the submissive is a lifestyle 'virgin', or the submissive is masochistically insane.

All sane human beings have limits. There are or should be fundamental boundaries across which the human mind is incapable of retaining sanity should those boundaries be crossed. These are called hard limits. A Hard Limit is an issue or belief that must remain inviolate for the individual to retain a belief in themselves and the world around them. These are beliefs that will never change. They are a part of the core or inner self.

No Children
No Animals
No Dead People

These are the basic three hard limits. None of the above can consent. People who actively choose to violate any of the beings mentioned above violate Federal, State, and Local law, they violate the basic credo of the SSC D/s community, which is Safe, Sane, and consensual, they violate and abuse the rights and freedoms of those they interact with, as well as taking actions which are morally repugnant and ethically corrupt! Those who prey on the weak, the young, the animals, or the dead are not part of my community. I will not accept them or their actions and choices as just another kink. Non-consensual usage is abuse, rape, wrongful imprisonment, and torture!

Some people believe that these limits are so fundamental that they are simply 'understood'. I disagree. One should never assume that the person you are interacting with means something or believes something they have never actually stated to you. Some people hide within this community who will accept a statement of 'no limits' as an invitation and express voluntary consent to damage, injure, or destroy another human being. It is crucially important when seeking a partner within this community or any other to find someone whose baseline hard limits match yours. Be specific, direct, and pointed when asking about these limits. If you don't, then you may be placing yourself in a position of vulnerability where you may be forced into a situation that you are unable to evade, which is utterly intolerable!

Hard Limits are called Hard Limits because they never change, are not subject to stretching, extending, or expanding, and the violation of any of them is sufficient by itself to totally sever the relationship and possibly extend criminal charges against the perpetrator. It should be noted that you may have differing hard limits from those stated above. There may be other issues that you mandate as inviolate within your own life. Look carefully into yourself and try to clearly evaluate where those fundamental lines are within yourself. There is no right or wrong to having a longer list of hard limits. Each person is an individual and unique. Identifying and expressing that individuality clearly is important.

It is also important here to look at a Dominant who asks or demands that a submissive have no limits. This can mean at least two things. Either the person (note I do not identify them as a Dominant) considers the submissive to be without value and desires to use, injure, or mentally or physically destroy them. Or, the Dominant requires that their submissive have no limits beyond mutually shared hard limits. Ask! If the person you are interacting with clearly states that the submissive/slave should have no limits at all. Leave! This person is not a Dominant. They may attempt to coerce you into continued communication using guilt, shame, need, and intimidation to convince you that this is what you really desire. Do not stay! Expect such a predator to be charming, intelligent, smooth, and very able to 'skew' things into something you may agree to. This is not D/s. One of the best ways to identify someone with problems is if they attempt to limit or control your access to information and limit your contact with other people within this community. If you have met a 'dominant' who tries to isolate you from information or contact with others - Beware! Remember that a real Dominant is not afraid of you having information; it is part of informed consent. In addition, the forming of real-life friendships within the community is considered healthy. It is a place where people share information and support each other.

However, a Dominant may ask a submissive to withdraw from a friendship relationship if the Dominant believes that the individual friendship is negative or unhealthy for their submissive. As long as this is done based on the merits of the situation, then it should not be construed as an attempt to isolate the submissive. If this occurs, the Dominant should ensure that the submissive has other acceptable contacts within the community.

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Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or by the OP's noms de plume: "Mistress Steel" and "F.R.R. Mallory".

Retrieved April 2026 from https://web.archive.org/web/20120419145958/http://www.steel-door.com/hard_limits.htm.


Article on "Soft Limits" here.

Article on "Negotiating Limits" here.