Finding Your Dominant

Finding Your Dominant

Are you looking for a magic spell? That unique formula that will guarantee you the results you want? Well, there isn't any trick. Not really...

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you start at the beginning. First, you sit down and identify who you are. By this, I mean your views on morality, ethics, spirituality, politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater, and especially your sense of humor. Yes!!! Everything counts. These foundational aspects count the most. Too many people look through the wrong end of the periscope, looking for the D/s aspect instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone who parallels you. This is crucial. In many ways, in the distance of a relationship, a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant, they may cease using safe-words or signs, wanting only to please their Dominant. So, it is a good idea to 'match' with the same limits as your Dominant from the beginning. In addition, if you are a hamburger person, you may have trouble eating steak and caviar - be real and honest!

Yes. Dominants have limits. They have the same mental processes as anyone else. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking someone who matches you, you reduce (by a huge amount) the potential for limit violations.

Have your list of values and interests ready. Begin searching for potential partners close to your location by using online directories. Enter keywords such as Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress alongside your local area. Limit your search to people within 200 miles (or a 3-hour drive). Local relationships develop more naturally and have fewer risks than long-distance ones. After finding local members, read their profiles and send polite introductory emails to those who may interest you. Simultaneously, look for local community groups related to your interests, which may require some effort to find. Larger cities might have established organizations that are easier to join. Attend local social events like demos, workshops, or even weddings to meet others in person.

By limiting your search to your immediate vicinity, you increase the potential of finding a partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber conversations and long-distance phone calls, with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to 'prevent' the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. They are designs that most frequently injure. If you find you are constantly finding Mr or Ms Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully to a relationship that is realistically viable. When contacting potential partners in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly, but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to 'appear' just right when they really are not. Keep your conversation courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. The things on your list. If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role-play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title, etc., then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms, this can indicate a poor self-image or a person with a less-than-clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned - not bestowed by typing in a screen name box or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect, one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time - consistent actions and behavior become ingrained in the individual. To me, this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining long-term relationships with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.

Next, I recommend a fairly prompt meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone, the more a fantasy or assumption of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with no plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way, you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the submissive, they become psyched up and, to some extent, forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered in the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling-off period, they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow-up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)

Do not feel obligated to continue contact. You have no agreement with this person, so do not let feelings such as shame or guilt influence you. Before agreeing to any meeting, ask for and receive references from the Dominant, including other local submissives (sometimes called a submissive network). If a local Dominant has no references, they are either new or hiding problems, both of which are serious concerns. A Dominant reflects their real-life reputation; without one, you must rely solely on their word. If this is the case, obtain more information before meeting them: have them fax a current driver's license, a copy of their Social Security card, and current phone numbers for home and work. No beepers!

If they refuse, then they are probably lying to you. The risk is almost all one-sided here. If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time, then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other, unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number, then they may be lying about where they work, their real name, etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone, you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting, but if you do, your risks are much higher, and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time, and children have no reason to question it!

Each of these things presents you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local, with the potential of a long-term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area, you may need to travel further than my recommendation, but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that, your odds descend rapidly.

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Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or by the OP's noms de plume: "Mistress Steel" and "F.R.R. Mallory".

Retrieved April 2026 from https://web.archive.org/web/20120426033241/http://www.steel-door.com/Finding_Your_Dominant.html.