Print this page
Collar of Consideration
Collaring is the term commonly used by those in the D/s community to describe the commencement of a relationship between a Dominant and a submissive. It carries the same type of weight that a marriage ring does in its final stage and denotes the same depth of commitment. In recent times (since the advent of the Internet), we have seen a bastardization of this ritual into something casual and transient. This attack on long-standing traditions should be actively fought by educating those entering the lifestyle.
First, I want to state clearly that in my opinion, collaring is done only in real life, between live people, ceremonially, joyously, and celebrated. One does not get married online or on the phone, and one does not call online or on the phone.
The first collar offered is called the 'Collar of Consideration'. This identification comes from the Old Guard Leather community, the same source of the Safe, Sane, and Consensual code. This Collar is traditionally given at the very beginning of a potential relationship. There are many variations on how a collar may be represented in actuality. It can be by a bracelet, waist chain, anklet, or other choice. This is sometimes determined by the situation of the submissive, such as job requirements, etc. Sometimes it is dictated by the Dominant's personal taste. The traditional or customary representation of the 'Collar of Consideration' is a leather collar in some shade of blue. The actual shade of color is not as important as the color itself.
The Dominant, by offering this collar to the submissive, is expressing an interest in pursuing a potential furthering of a relationship with that submissive beyond the range of a casual acquaintance or even the relationship between a Top and a bottom. This collar is offered seriously and with intent. The submissive in accepting this collar from the Dominant is equally serious in their understanding that their relationship has moved into a different stage. The existence of the Collar of Consideration indicates to other Dominants and submissives that the Dominant and submissive are forming a potentially serious relationship. Its existence acts to openly present to other Dominants that this submissive is 'off-limits' for the duration of the 'consideration' period and that honorable Dominants should not pursue this submissive in any manner.
It is understood that new relationships are fragile and vulnerable to both parties involved. Respect for new relationships is shown by adhering to the presence of collars and their underlying meanings. The 'Collar of Consideration' does not indicate a lifelong commitment between the Dominant and submissive but might be better considered to be similar to a pre-engagement ring.
Should either Dominant or submissive decide after a period of time that the relationship or connection is not to their desire, then either may politely withdraw from the offer or the acceptance with "no fault" to either side. If a submissive is uncollared, then it is considered important for that submissive to physically remove the collar and place it within the hands of the Dominant personally. If extensive attempts have been made to do so unsuccessfully, then and only then should the submissive retain the collar. In other words, the collar is the property of the Dominant. It should be purchased, acquired, or made by the Dominant for the Dominant. Upon the severance of the relationship, it should be rightfully returned to its owner. Objects given as gifts to the submissive should be clearly defined as becoming the submissive's property and not expected to be returned should the relationship end. To keep the collar is considered to be extremely disrespectful.
For any Dominant to 'actively' approach a collared submissive is considered an extreme breach of protocol, and it should be noted that such action can have a serious negative impact on that Dominant's real-life reputation. The traditions of our community should be given the same honor, dignity, and respect as any other. Those who actively diminish or devalue what is precious to us should be aware that such diminishment identifies you as being external to our community or a parasite upon it. If you are one of those, then perhaps you should return to your sorry world where honor is nonexistent, honesty is impossible to find, and trust is just a word in the dictionary.
This web page is owned by F.R.R. Mallory - also known as Mistress Steel, including
all content and logos. This webpage has been redesigned to be easy to read. The
information on this page is designed to inform and entertain; it is not meant to offer
professional or legal advice. The content of this webpage may be excerpted from
Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and
Consensual, Dangerous Choices, or other books by F.R.R. Mallory; all the content is
copyright-protected under United States and International Copyright Law. Please
click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books
and others by F.R.R. Mallory.
For limited release, re-posting, web-sharing information regarding any of the articles
on this website, or to sign up for the Steel-Door Newsletter direct mailing, please
email SteelBfl@sonic.net.
long text
Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.
To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or "F.R.R. Mallory", the nom de plume of the OP.
Retrieved April 2026 from https://web.archive.org/web/20120510015205/http://www.steel-door.com/Consideration_Collar.html.