Bonding

Bonding...

There is much within D/s that draws on the desires of those looking at it from the outside. There is the image of strength, purity, sensuality, eroticism, the removal of puritanically imposed sexual restraints coupled to ideologically superb traits such as loyalty, honor, respect, integrity, trust, truthfulness, and commitment. Living with those same images is vastly different or more challenging.

It has become cynically acceptable to 'expect' failure within relationships. These expectations in some ways offer people an avenue of mental escape from the integral 'value' of their own words, oaths, or commitments. They 'know' that if they have a problem in their marriage, friends, family, and coworkers will shake their head and nod in commiserate understanding, and they will personally experience little or no 'loss of face' or reputation for that failure.

For D/s to work, the individual's 'word' has to have meaning or value. One of the fundamental foundations of the relationship is 'trust'. If your word is 'fluid,' then you cannot establish and sustain this fundamental 'trust.' This alone requires the 'unlearning' of vanilla habits. A person who actively demonstrates a 'failure' of their word or oath within D/s becomes untrustworthy - (this is for either Dominant or submissive). Without fundamental trust, the relationship will cease to exist in any type of positive or growth state.

It becomes 'crucial' to say 'clearly' exactly what you mean and to listen 'carefully' to hear 'exactly' what your partner says to you. We have often been taught to try to 'say' what we believe other people wish to hear instead of the truth. Truth alone can be blunt and unkind; it is also the edge of the blade that does far less damage than one that is blunted by false veneers. Honesty is essential. Hiding or masking anything will quickly lead to a morass of problems and most often the severing of the relationship's potential. To be believed, you must be believable. If your word can be found to be weak or tenuous, then you will not be trusted, respected, or valued.

Many people race toward a 24/7 relationship with their eyes filled with it's potentials. Colored viewpoints based on fantasy, desire, unrealistic expectations, and completely erroneous ideas about who they themselves are inside. Reconciling the 'image' to the 'reality' takes time, hard work, and usually years of effort and compromise. Developing or embracing the 'whole' of yourself is not something that will occur ten minutes after you find your first D/s chatroom conversation or the day after your first real-life experience. It is a process that is filled with struggle. One submissive that I know describes it this way . . . "submission is often like an insurrection, a constant war within myself that my desire and will control and engage." Submission is not a constant; it is not selected or chosen and then simply 'in existence' in a single moment or choice. Nor is domination a constant. To suggest that it denies the 'fullness' of the inner self. Dominants feel as many moments of vulnerability and personal weakness as any other human. Being able to openly experience these moments without censure or judgment is also part of being whole. Often, a new Dominant will believe that 'showing' these 'weaknesses' will make others lose respect for them. In reality, the reverse is true. The removal of response to 'perceived shame' is a demonstration of strength. Embracing the entirety of yourself will strengthen and reinforce the ego or the core platform from which you live.

24/7 requires that both individuals actively focus on positive growth within the relationship. It becomes mandatory to develop new skills and personal flexibility to adapt to the unique desires and needs of your partner. It requires the selective and active removal of ingrained vanilla habits of response or expectation-driven reactions. A full-time 24/7 relationship will not survive lies, dishonesty, casual oaths, or any demonstration of a lack of trustworthiness.

The ramifications of failure for a D/s couple are often more devastating than similar consequences in a vanilla relationship. In general, the investment is deeper, especially if that same D/s couple is actively (as most are) involved in BDSM. D/s requires more from people. The levels of commitment and responsibility are significantly higher. There will be subsequent challenges and stresses for everyone involved in the years that follow the initial choice to join together. Such relationships should not be entered into quickly or casually. Time is not an enemy here. Take the amount you need to carefully investigate all aspects of your potential partner before moving forward into the depth of full or intense bonding and potentially considering a full-time relationship or 24/7.

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Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or "F.R.R. Mallory", the nom de plume of the OP.

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