Blog - Subspace, BDSM Relationship, Sites, and Safewords

cryinglaugh asked:  

As a newbie, I don't know much about BDSM so I have a lot of questions below. What is subspace? How does one create a BDSM relationship/experience? What sites would you recommend for BDSM information? Using safewords?  

That’s a lot of big questions! I am uncertain whether I’m speaking to a submissive or a dominant. Let’s see what I can cover.

• Safe word: Always play with one, if someone doesn’t want you to play with one, you better know him extremely well. He should have a reason for doing it too. Like “I want to create a rape scene” is an ok example. Remember my ball gag post? I recommend also having a non-verbal safe word. Personally, I put my hand in someone else’s periodically and tell them to crush the fuck out of it if they need out. Please don’t be shy about needing to use one, it’s for emergencies. Doms are people too; we can make mistakes; if you need out, we need to know. We’d rather stop a scene early than have you pull a vanishing act and be left wondering what went wrong. 
   
• Subspace: This is a word that describes the mental space inhabited by submissives. You inhabit this space when you feel like you want to serve another man. That’s its most basic level. But when all the kink cylinders are firing and you want MORE MORE MORE! That’s a deeper level of subspace. Just embrace being your kinkiest self and see who you become.  
  
  For many, subspace comes with endorphins. That means that after a play session with your dominant, you can have sub-drop. It’s when the endorphins that flooded your system return to normal levels. It can lead to temporary: Lethargy, depression, sluggishness, exhaustion, a nap, bitchiness, and (rarely) hunger. Subs that have experienced sub-drop have different needs. Many need to be held and reassured they did well. Some subs need to be left THE FUCK alone. Dominants should ask prior to sub drop what a sub likes and needs prior to playing so you know your responsibility afterward. 
   
• Creating a BDSM relationship/experience: This question confused me and made me uncertain if you were a dominant or a submissive. If you are a submissive, a dominant should create the experience. Just exist in it and let him lead. If you are a dominant. Learn to deal with layering (see my prior posts). Take the time to learn about what makes your sub tick. Experimentally try some dirty talk on him to see if you’ve understood his head properly. Try to engage as many senses as you can. For example: put a blindfold on him, light leather-scented candles (yea they totally exist and are awesome), and put on porn lightly in the background so it sounds like you’re fucking in a dungeon. Words are powerful, be forceful and confident with them. Learn about your own personal style from your Dom space. Keep control, but try to go with your instinct and gut feelings. There is only ONE way to be a dominant. Do you. Copy others if it feels true to you, but do nothing simply because it is what others do. We are our own men and the rewards for knowing yourself are infinite. 
   
• Sites: Truthfully, I don’t recommend a lot of sites. I wish I could. To give a brief history of our scene. Prior to Stonewall, it was a small scene, very tight-knit. Once the AIDS epidemic hit in the 80s the kink scene EXPLODED in popularity. Men, afraid of conventional sex and doctors unsure of what spread the disease decided to put their dicks away for a bit as many different aspects of kink could create very intense intimate experiences that carried no risk of transmission (we thought). Since kinksters that didn’t ass fuck weren’t getting sick we assumed it was safe. Here’s where it gets relevant. Kinksters formed larger but still tight-knit communities; even clubs (look up Centaur MC on Google). So when someone new wants to enter the scene, the old method is to seek approval and mentorship from a more experienced dominant or submissive. There are still plenty of men who do this today but thanks to the internet many others want to learn as well and they don’t come to the kink community to learn about it. Ultimately, many teachers make a living teaching BDSM so the rest of the community respects that they need to make a living and will limit the info they post online for free. I am pretty sure I’m just a taste of the larger BDSM world so I doubt I’ll cost anyone business. But I was the same way as you actually. I’m an introvert so I wasn’t really keen on meeting new people and did not want to clean a Sir’s toilet (or worse) to get an education. Ultimately, I ended up hiring a pro-dominant to do some Skype calls with me for 8 months followed up by a workshop later that same year. I paid him cash for his time. Having done it I can ASSURE YOU that the best method is to seek a mentorship (even if you need to pay and do Skype for it). If you do, you should create an education plan to cover what you want to know. You need to be the driver of that experience or you’ll get less out of it. 
   
• All that said, if you TLDR the above… Get a mentor they come in sub and Dom varieties. Failing that, go and sign up for FetLife [signon required], and then follow and read groups for newbies on subjects you’re interested in. I also recommend Processing Pain in Play: What is the Natural Process?
   

Thanks for kicking off my question and answers for my blog!